Anna-thology

Torn
So you can see I'm finding a bit more time to blog with an empty house again. That's nice. I feel more... gathered. hemmed in. I'm really thankful for the down time, I'm going through a lot right now, I wonder how obvious it is.
Sometimes it's so hard being me. I constantly feel torn between being a yp's wife and being a mom and somewhere, deep down, being me. Every event we have, I feel like I'm juggling my kids - and they are getting dropped - hope they aren't worse for the wear. And I feel like I can't spend any time with students. I just feel chained to my kids, which is a terrible way to think about your children. I just don't know how to do this any better. I look at Trish - she was always my ultimate example of yp wife, she seemed like she had such a great balance. I don't know if my kids are just younger or more needy or if I just stress too much. Tonight felt like a disaster, my kids were running everywhere, in and out of the pools (we played blooperball), dirty from head to toe and wet. Part of it was that Rob had to go back to church and do worship, so I was watching my kids and trying to set up the game and trying to connect with our teenagers. I guess it was a recipe for disaster. But I just left there feeling like a complete failure. We went home early, since Sarah was drenched from head to toe and Eli wasn't far behind. Eli meets his teacher at 8am, and refused his nap this afternoon, so it was a good time for us to call it a night. Anyhoo, I bathed the kids, did the dishes while they ate their snack, started a load of laundry, they played while I vacuumed and then I stuck them in bed. Sarah's still singing up there "BIG GIRL!!" but I'm sure she'll konk soon - darn this daylight savings time! I felt semi-productive and now I just want to veg, but I still feel guilty for not being at Matt and Tiff's with APEX.
I don't think I'm ever going to fill the expectations for me, I am so worn out from trying, and still so far from my goals. I'm not even starting to think about what I want out of my life, there's no room in my life right now for any selfish requests. Sounds like whining, but I'm really just trying to problem solve. I need to find a really good babysitter to take the kids during youth events that I can just rely on. I'm going to have to start praying about that one.