In A Funk

Yeah, so you might have noticed I've been pretty quiet on the old blog lately. I guess when I am stewing in my own funk I try real hard not to spread it around too much. I figure it doesn't really help to drag everyone else down. Once in a while I just get that way, it lasts a few days or week or something and then I just start to pull out of it and feel better. Not even sure why I'm being this forthright now, except I think I'm on the other side of it and it feels good.

I've spent a lot of time examining this funk and I think it's the result of several things. First and foremost, I've been really homesick lately. That's a bit ridiculous because I've been a grown woman for a long time. I literally moved out of Mom and Dad's house when I was 17, so we'll just leave it at "that was a long time ago". I don't know, when we first got here 14 months ago it felt far from home, but it was this great adventure. And it's not like we lived in Iowa most recently, we've slowly been migrating south (like a flock of birds) off and on for the past decade really. But my family, my friends, were always like 8-10 hours away. And until recently, you didn't have to be a gabillionaire to afford a tank of gasoline each way, right?? But now we've been here a while and the realization that it's a 17 hour drive each way and I don't know, $600 in gas just kind of boggles my mind. And really, it's not even the place. I mean, Rob's my family, Eli and Sarah, and they've been my family for a long time now. Home is where they are.

But lately I've been thinking about the leaves starting to turn and Indian summer setting in, red apples ripening in the orchards and the smell of the fires when people rake their yard. I can envision the first snowfall (I really do love snow - how it makes the world all pure and white and perfect, even for just a few hours) and I can even hear the crunch of too-cold snow beneath your feet later in the winter, when it's been there for months. I even miss that! I'm crazy, I know.

So last night, I'm at this youth pastors convention. Let me tell you, no one parties like youth pastors! Even in the hotel, I can pick out the yp's from all the rest of the regular folks. We are the 30 somethings who dress like we are still hanging on to highschool, kwim?? We've got our intensely highlighted hair and our skinny jeans (heaven help us with that the second time around) with our bright flats or cute pumps peaking out from super dark denim. None of us look like we belong in this ultra-swanky hotel, right?? Seriously, that's the perk of being a yp, twice a year you get to pretend your somebody and stay at the Marriott. It's pretty hip.

If you didn't know us by our grossly exaggerated dress code, then our technology would give us away. You'll see the tell-tale white ear buds hanging from earlobes, notice an unnatural flurry of texting happening in our everpresent cell phone, and the truly 'arrived' ones are distinguished by the softly glowing apple on our all-precious Macbook. :)

Hey, I'm not mocking them, I'm one of them. It's just a unique group, that's all I'm saying.

So we get going last night. Our DYD Marty Burroughs opens up. He's amazing btw. He's really taking Rob under his wing, and that's been fun to watch. In fact, he gave me a huge hug today to 'welcome me to the family' with his warm honey Texas drawl. I had to cram down my northern-ness - since we really aren't big on huggy-touchy - God's really stretching me in this department. :) I'm a work in progress people, please love me in spite of me, ok??

This amazing youth worship band ministered to us all this weekend. They are students from San Antonio, Westover, I believe. They just went to Nationals and they were crazy good. Worship was amazing. Marty talked about being in a desert and quoted Isaiah 43:18-19 and it just spoke to my heart.

18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

The verses just hit me where I was at. First of all, lately I've been really focused on all the mistakes I've made in the past. I mean, seriously, all of my adult life has been under my little microscope lately, and all I can see is mistake after mistake. I've wondered how God can even use me?? Even typing that seems so cliche, but I'm just telling you where I was at. I felt beyond parched. Like an old dried up riverbed - with deep cracks where the water has just evaporated up out of the ground leaving nothing of value, nothing useable. And when I fell into worship, I mean emptied my heart in worship last night, I literally could feel God's Spirit, His very Presence pushing over my heart, over my dry and thirsty life. It was like a rushing wave of His goodness, restoring the river, washing over me. The imagery in my mind was astounding. I felt wet - His presence was so real. I cried so hard, not an unhappy cry, but the life giving, pour-your-heart-out-before-your-God kind of cry. I was sucking in air between my sobs like a man gasping for air after almost drowning. It felt so good. I had needed that for so long. Can you relate??

So thinking about my old useless riverbed. I am reminded that God brought us up from the clay, that He fashioned us out of dirt. Genesis 2:7 tells me this.

the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Even a dry and dusty used-up creek bed... that's an exciting new beginning for God.

Cool, huh?? (God loves a challenge, I guess)

I also felt like God told me some things during that drowning in His presence. First of all, I need to plant myself where He has me. I need to stop longing for things past. I'm probably remembering them better than they were anyway. I need to be grateful for the life I have now, because it's truly an awesome life, don't you think?? So what does that look like? I need to stop telling people I'm from the Midwest, like it's some qualifier or disclaimer or something. Besides, most folks can figure it out the first time I drag out and 'aye' in any given word. They don't need me flaunting my differences. So I'm on a new kick. I'm from Texas. kay? I'm not giving up my good ole Iowa heritage, I'll still be whipping up Iowa food and talking too fast, but I'm not going to wear it like a badge of honor anymore. I think it annoys people and puts up walls. I need to stop focusing on the differences between here and there and instead embrace the commonalities. And with that, I apologize for my Iowa-ness from here back to June 07. I wish I had adapted as fast as Rob (wow, have you noticed him? if I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was raised in Houston. He's seriously this close to carrying hot sauce with him, ya know??) but I'm going to do my very best from now on. I'm even trying to get over the one-way feeder roads (God bless em) and embrace it as my personal opportunity to boost the Texan economy! ;)

Also, I need to stop beating myself up over past mistakes. The verse says 'forget the former things, do not dwell in the past'. I can do better. I can start today. With God's help.

I really need to be more intentional with my time. God has given me 24 hours each day, and I need to use it wisely while He tarries.

So I say all this to say I'm excited! My storm has past and I am wading with God again and enjoying the afterglow of His supernatural presence. I'm ready for tomorrow and all the excitement of this next year in ministry. I'm super pumped about theLOFT and realife and all the cool things we can do at Trinity. I feel like we have just gotten our feet wet and there is so much more to come.

Another cool thing I'm going to start doing is carrying my small 'The Message' in my purse, so when I have time waiting in a line (esp the car line, we back to that starting on Monday) I can just pop that book out and get right to it. I'm terrible at memorization, but I'm a big reader. :) Maybe if I read it all the time it will get buried in my heart and mind. Then when the people around me bump into me, Jesus will just come spilling out.

I'm excited.

Can you tell I'm excited???


ps - we did some awesome worship songs. like healer. sweet. and inhabit our praise and came to my rescue. wow. very moving.