my cute boys. :)
Nov 25, 2005
an official apology
for my bad attitude earlier. At least it's out of my system, right? Every now and again I need to go off the deep end. It's good for perspective. Hope I didn't terribly offend anyone. I was just having a moment. I've since apologized to Eli, he apologized to me, Rob and I talked. Being a parent is just tough, especially during fall break, that's a lot of together time. I miss my space when the boys are at school. :) Terrible, I know. Anyhoo, I might post some pictures now, from our non-thanksgiving.
for my bad attitude earlier. At least it's out of my system, right? Every now and again I need to go off the deep end. It's good for perspective. Hope I didn't terribly offend anyone. I was just having a moment. I've since apologized to Eli, he apologized to me, Rob and I talked. Being a parent is just tough, especially during fall break, that's a lot of together time. I miss my space when the boys are at school. :) Terrible, I know. Anyhoo, I might post some pictures now, from our non-thanksgiving.
Warning! Not for the faint of heart. I am barely responsible for what I say in today's post, realize that I am mad and this IS my personal venting space!
It's one of those days where you question everything. Do you know what I mean? Eli is just pushing all my buttons and I am left wondering if I am really cut out for this whole motherhood thing? I'm kind of high-strung. (shocking, I know) It started with Sarah not eating her lunch, which annoys me. She throws her food on the floor. She screams. It's real pretty. BUT, she has had diarrea for nearly a week. At this point I will let her eat anything, just to keep her from dehydration. She's had an iv twice for dehydration, been hospitalized once, so it's a real possiblitiy. So I was giving her alternatives to what we were eating, like grapes and cheese, anything to get her to eat. Finally I just wound up putting her in bed, she was exhausted anyway. I come back, seriously like five bites into my re-heated thanksgiving dinner and Eli announces he's done and would like something else, maybe cheese and crackers. Rob refuses and tells him to eat his dinner. Eli pitches a fit. The whole thing escalates. Eli refusing, us insisting. Inside I can't believe we are fighting over thanksgiving dinner, I spent 4 hours preparing and cleaning up after yesterday. Keep in mind, Rob spent most of yesterday in the bathroom with a flu bug, Sarah of course refused dinner, and Eli picked at it yesterday, so basically I ate and that's it. So now we are attempting to eat it again, as a family.
Realizing all that, I got so mad at Eli. He takes me for granted so badly, this is an on-going subject in our house right now. He's very demanding, insistant. It's hard on my ego. My personality is the type to wait on everybody, all the time, so I'm a big fat enabler as far as all that goes. [when I was a kid I had a hard time finishing my meals, but my dad always served me too much, and as a result I give Eli very small servings. Plus, I have to say that I am a very good cook, nothing super fancy, but great basics. Rob'll back me up on that!]
I wound up yelling at him, shoving corn dish in his mouth and storming out the door. I'm such a jerk like that. I just can't handle the situation. Seriously, maybe we should have thought this through before we started reproducing!!! I get so frustrated because I gave up a lot to stay home with Eli. I had a good job, made good money, was really active in church. Now I do nothing. I effect no one, outside of the four walls of this super crappy house. (Now I'm just in a downward spiral - so bail now if you don't want to go down with me!) It just seems like the past five years we went from a lot to so little. Sometimes I can't even believe how much we've given up to stay home with Eli and to put Rob through school. I think if I had seen the price tag (not financially - but what it would 'cost' us in frustration, decency, humility, etc) I would have said absolutely stinking not. It's not my dream, I don't want it that bad! See, deep down I'm really just a selfish person just like everyone else. There, I said it, you were all thinking it anyway! It's crazy how hard all this is hitting me NOW of all times, with three weeks to go. I just want say pish, I don't want to take another step. So not an option. The coward in me always wants to quit, but that's simply not possible in life. Especially with kids, you just have to get up and keep going. No matter how much bird poop you have on your face. All I want to do is stand here and curse the bird!! (waiting for my apology!)
The truth of the matter is I am so lonely. I'm cooped up in this tiny house and I can't stand another day of it. Three years is about two and half years too long. I miss my friends. I miss being social. We've only been to MOPs twice so far this year. The no car thing is really a downer on that. Plus you factor in my always-sick children and we just don't get out much.
I miss being able to shop. I really miss having an income. We are so broke right now. I'm really regretting my little trip to Branson last week with Kim. The registration on the car cost 5 times what I expected it to, so we are wiped out until Rob's new job starts. It scares me, having nothing. It's not like we have a credit card we can live off of until that first check. We just have to trust. And I do. This is just a really hard time of year to be broke! Rob and I decided we will just have to skip Christmas for each other this year, which sucks honestly. Cause it's not like we go around randomly buying each other fun stuff during the rest of the year, we both really look forward to christmas. I keep remembering Sunday's sermon - "BE CONTENT" and it's a mantra in my head, but not really helping just yet.
Ugh, I'm just whining. Please no nasty posts, I'm seriously just in a funk. *oo-bah*oo--bah* (deep breaths, from StarWars Episode 3) Not really sure what to do with Eli. Selling him to the circus is sounding like a positive option right about now. Rob jokes that we'd get a lot for him, he's so stinking cute!
I am truly tempted to think about looking for a job. Just to have something that's mine, but I'll be so busy with the house and stuff once we get moved that it's unlikely. Plus I really do want to stay home with Brea until she's in school. I owe it to her. I don't know. Just pray for me today. I really need it. Getting through these next three weeks will be a push, I know. I'm so ready. I wish we were moving tomorrow. I really think this house just has a bad vibe!
It's one of those days where you question everything. Do you know what I mean? Eli is just pushing all my buttons and I am left wondering if I am really cut out for this whole motherhood thing? I'm kind of high-strung. (shocking, I know) It started with Sarah not eating her lunch, which annoys me. She throws her food on the floor. She screams. It's real pretty. BUT, she has had diarrea for nearly a week. At this point I will let her eat anything, just to keep her from dehydration. She's had an iv twice for dehydration, been hospitalized once, so it's a real possiblitiy. So I was giving her alternatives to what we were eating, like grapes and cheese, anything to get her to eat. Finally I just wound up putting her in bed, she was exhausted anyway. I come back, seriously like five bites into my re-heated thanksgiving dinner and Eli announces he's done and would like something else, maybe cheese and crackers. Rob refuses and tells him to eat his dinner. Eli pitches a fit. The whole thing escalates. Eli refusing, us insisting. Inside I can't believe we are fighting over thanksgiving dinner, I spent 4 hours preparing and cleaning up after yesterday. Keep in mind, Rob spent most of yesterday in the bathroom with a flu bug, Sarah of course refused dinner, and Eli picked at it yesterday, so basically I ate and that's it. So now we are attempting to eat it again, as a family.
Realizing all that, I got so mad at Eli. He takes me for granted so badly, this is an on-going subject in our house right now. He's very demanding, insistant. It's hard on my ego. My personality is the type to wait on everybody, all the time, so I'm a big fat enabler as far as all that goes. [when I was a kid I had a hard time finishing my meals, but my dad always served me too much, and as a result I give Eli very small servings. Plus, I have to say that I am a very good cook, nothing super fancy, but great basics. Rob'll back me up on that!]
I wound up yelling at him, shoving corn dish in his mouth and storming out the door. I'm such a jerk like that. I just can't handle the situation. Seriously, maybe we should have thought this through before we started reproducing!!! I get so frustrated because I gave up a lot to stay home with Eli. I had a good job, made good money, was really active in church. Now I do nothing. I effect no one, outside of the four walls of this super crappy house. (Now I'm just in a downward spiral - so bail now if you don't want to go down with me!) It just seems like the past five years we went from a lot to so little. Sometimes I can't even believe how much we've given up to stay home with Eli and to put Rob through school. I think if I had seen the price tag (not financially - but what it would 'cost' us in frustration, decency, humility, etc) I would have said absolutely stinking not. It's not my dream, I don't want it that bad! See, deep down I'm really just a selfish person just like everyone else. There, I said it, you were all thinking it anyway! It's crazy how hard all this is hitting me NOW of all times, with three weeks to go. I just want say pish, I don't want to take another step. So not an option. The coward in me always wants to quit, but that's simply not possible in life. Especially with kids, you just have to get up and keep going. No matter how much bird poop you have on your face. All I want to do is stand here and curse the bird!! (waiting for my apology!)
The truth of the matter is I am so lonely. I'm cooped up in this tiny house and I can't stand another day of it. Three years is about two and half years too long. I miss my friends. I miss being social. We've only been to MOPs twice so far this year. The no car thing is really a downer on that. Plus you factor in my always-sick children and we just don't get out much.
I miss being able to shop. I really miss having an income. We are so broke right now. I'm really regretting my little trip to Branson last week with Kim. The registration on the car cost 5 times what I expected it to, so we are wiped out until Rob's new job starts. It scares me, having nothing. It's not like we have a credit card we can live off of until that first check. We just have to trust. And I do. This is just a really hard time of year to be broke! Rob and I decided we will just have to skip Christmas for each other this year, which sucks honestly. Cause it's not like we go around randomly buying each other fun stuff during the rest of the year, we both really look forward to christmas. I keep remembering Sunday's sermon - "BE CONTENT" and it's a mantra in my head, but not really helping just yet.
Ugh, I'm just whining. Please no nasty posts, I'm seriously just in a funk. *oo-bah*oo--bah* (deep breaths, from StarWars Episode 3) Not really sure what to do with Eli. Selling him to the circus is sounding like a positive option right about now. Rob jokes that we'd get a lot for him, he's so stinking cute!
I am truly tempted to think about looking for a job. Just to have something that's mine, but I'll be so busy with the house and stuff once we get moved that it's unlikely. Plus I really do want to stay home with Brea until she's in school. I owe it to her. I don't know. Just pray for me today. I really need it. Getting through these next three weeks will be a push, I know. I'm so ready. I wish we were moving tomorrow. I really think this house just has a bad vibe!
Nov 24, 2005
Psalm 100
Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come before Him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are His.
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with Thanksgiving;
Go into His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
And His faithfulness continues to each generation.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Found this verse in my daily devotional from Purpose-Driven and it's awesome for the day. Just thought I'd share. Dealing with a sick Sarah and a sick Rob so it could be an interesting Thanksgiving, but I'm still thankful. I'm making duck today, so hopefully it turns out!
Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come before Him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us, and we are His.
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with Thanksgiving;
Go into His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
And His faithfulness continues to each generation.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Found this verse in my daily devotional from Purpose-Driven and it's awesome for the day. Just thought I'd share. Dealing with a sick Sarah and a sick Rob so it could be an interesting Thanksgiving, but I'm still thankful. I'm making duck today, so hopefully it turns out!
Nov 23, 2005
IT IS FINISHED!!!
I'm not sure excactly how many months I have spent working on my HOF entry, but I am so thankful that it's finally done!! I mailed it off this afternoon - with lots of prayer! :) Anyhoo, just had to report it. I also got my christmas cards mailed off, and a package for my parents. It was big mail day. Now I can concentrate on Thanksgiving tomorrow and then packing (ergh!) my house. I came up with a plan for my scrapbook stuff, I'm going to pack a scrap bag so I can work if I get the impulse, but pack everything else for my studio. At least then I won't feel so claustrophobic without it!!
I'm not sure excactly how many months I have spent working on my HOF entry, but I am so thankful that it's finally done!! I mailed it off this afternoon - with lots of prayer! :) Anyhoo, just had to report it. I also got my christmas cards mailed off, and a package for my parents. It was big mail day. Now I can concentrate on Thanksgiving tomorrow and then packing (ergh!) my house. I came up with a plan for my scrapbook stuff, I'm going to pack a scrap bag so I can work if I get the impulse, but pack everything else for my studio. At least then I won't feel so claustrophobic without it!!
Missing my pal this morning.
Just taking a quick break from stuffing my x-mas cards to say wow I miss my buddy, Lori. We usually talk every day on the phone for about forty-five minutes. Her mother-in-law is visiting this week so she hasn't been able to call. We haven't talked since a very brief conversation on Saturday. She's barely even been on IM. So I really miss her and I wonder how she's holding up to the state visit! I bet she has some stories for me on Friday! I know she usually reads my blog, so hi at you if your out there! No calls have made me realize (in case I didn't already know) how much I value her friendship. It's like having someone in the trenches with me, even though she's a state away! We keep each other going during the daily.
Speaking of daily. Happy thanksgiving to me. Eli threw up last night all over my couch, which desperately needed cleaning anyway, but gross. He had it in his eyes, up his nose, down his shirt, in his hair. Eww!!! So I'm sending him to the bathroom and starting to clean it up - trying to keep Sarah from playing in it - and he throws up a second time on the way to the bathroom. Seriously, all over the floor, the cabinets, the bathroom door and the side of the fridge. It was sooooo gross. I have never seen or cleaned so much throw-up in all my life. So I'm franticly cleaning it up and he's standing there telling me how I missed a spot, meanwhile Sarah is touching the throw-up on his back. It was interesting. I really missed Rob in that moment. Times like that make me so thankful that we think we are done. Can you imagine 3 or 4 kids throwing up at once? double and triple eww!! I don't think people think about that enough when they decide to have so many kids. I do, simply because my kids are always sick. Sarah has been dealing with diarrea for several days now, to the tune of 10-12 diapers a day. I was feeling pretty gross last night too, but it was one of those things where I just couldn't get sick, if you know what I mean. I know I've said this before, but in my book that is the hardest part of motherhood, the lack of time off. For instance, Sarah was up until 10pm last night, got up again at 11:30 and then was up at 6am. She's of course, sleeping it off now, but I'm up taking care of Eli's needs. He's feeling much better this morning, just for the record. While we are stating things for the record - I really hate throw-up.
Anyhoo, slated for today are my x-mas cards (stuffing and stamping), cleaning the house (agh!) and maybe a trip to Creations Unlimited, I need a mat for my cutter and I could really use a new Heidi Swapp fix. :) At least I'm honest about it, right? Ooh, and I'm just about done with my HOF entry. Just down to finishing my supply lists and pasting them together. I decorated my envelope yesterday. It's too stinking cute. I will post a picture here later. So excited to get this puppy mailed!! And scared, cause that means I can't touch it for the next 4 months, but that's ok, right? I'll be ok. Well, thinks to do. ta-ta!
Just taking a quick break from stuffing my x-mas cards to say wow I miss my buddy, Lori. We usually talk every day on the phone for about forty-five minutes. Her mother-in-law is visiting this week so she hasn't been able to call. We haven't talked since a very brief conversation on Saturday. She's barely even been on IM. So I really miss her and I wonder how she's holding up to the state visit! I bet she has some stories for me on Friday! I know she usually reads my blog, so hi at you if your out there! No calls have made me realize (in case I didn't already know) how much I value her friendship. It's like having someone in the trenches with me, even though she's a state away! We keep each other going during the daily.
Speaking of daily. Happy thanksgiving to me. Eli threw up last night all over my couch, which desperately needed cleaning anyway, but gross. He had it in his eyes, up his nose, down his shirt, in his hair. Eww!!! So I'm sending him to the bathroom and starting to clean it up - trying to keep Sarah from playing in it - and he throws up a second time on the way to the bathroom. Seriously, all over the floor, the cabinets, the bathroom door and the side of the fridge. It was sooooo gross. I have never seen or cleaned so much throw-up in all my life. So I'm franticly cleaning it up and he's standing there telling me how I missed a spot, meanwhile Sarah is touching the throw-up on his back. It was interesting. I really missed Rob in that moment. Times like that make me so thankful that we think we are done. Can you imagine 3 or 4 kids throwing up at once? double and triple eww!! I don't think people think about that enough when they decide to have so many kids. I do, simply because my kids are always sick. Sarah has been dealing with diarrea for several days now, to the tune of 10-12 diapers a day. I was feeling pretty gross last night too, but it was one of those things where I just couldn't get sick, if you know what I mean. I know I've said this before, but in my book that is the hardest part of motherhood, the lack of time off. For instance, Sarah was up until 10pm last night, got up again at 11:30 and then was up at 6am. She's of course, sleeping it off now, but I'm up taking care of Eli's needs. He's feeling much better this morning, just for the record. While we are stating things for the record - I really hate throw-up.
Anyhoo, slated for today are my x-mas cards (stuffing and stamping), cleaning the house (agh!) and maybe a trip to Creations Unlimited, I need a mat for my cutter and I could really use a new Heidi Swapp fix. :) At least I'm honest about it, right? Ooh, and I'm just about done with my HOF entry. Just down to finishing my supply lists and pasting them together. I decorated my envelope yesterday. It's too stinking cute. I will post a picture here later. So excited to get this puppy mailed!! And scared, cause that means I can't touch it for the next 4 months, but that's ok, right? I'll be ok. Well, thinks to do. ta-ta!
Nov 22, 2005
This is one of last night's pages. I really like it, so any comments, be gentle. The point is the journaling. (and I love this picture of us) It reads "The truth of the matter is quite simple; You compare yourself to others and you will be continually disappointed in what you have and have not. Instead, see yourself as God sees you and choose contentment in every situation. Trust God to meet (and exceed) your every need and GROW rather than lust after the treasures of this world. Value contentment."
On any given day, when you wake up in the morning, there are a hundred things fighting for your attitude.
Wow. That's profound. Just one of the many tidbits I heard sunday morning. Been meaning to jot it down here to share with you. This particular bit hit me hard, because as the mom in the house - I set the tone most days. And it's hard. For instance, this morning I woke up to poop (sorry for all you sensitive types) all up Sarah's back, leaking out of her diaper. She really struggles with diarhea and apparently this morning she lost the battle. :) She was super cranky and I had to fight her to get her changed and in the tub. We got her clean and fed and she was a lot happier. Certainly not my idea of an ideal morning. I like to wake up slowly in bed, maybe five minutes between opening my eyes and feet hitting the floor. But if I do that, I wake up really happy, usually. With small kids though, you wake up running. My kids have both been demanding morning people and my husband isn't really a before noon kind of guy, but he's working on it.
But seriously, how many times do you wake up and something is trying to destroy your day before it even gets started?? It's crazy. I've decided to call it what it is, an attitude deterant, and get on with my day. God is good, I'm alive and I have lots to do! (as I waste time blogging - I know, it's an addiction).
More to come later. I learned a lot about being content with what we have too. A very powerful message. So much that I scrapbooked it last night. I will post my page later today. Hoping to finish up the three pages I started last night. It's going to be a good day. Even though it's Tuesday and I always miss Rob on Tuesdays... it's going to be a good day.
Wow. That's profound. Just one of the many tidbits I heard sunday morning. Been meaning to jot it down here to share with you. This particular bit hit me hard, because as the mom in the house - I set the tone most days. And it's hard. For instance, this morning I woke up to poop (sorry for all you sensitive types) all up Sarah's back, leaking out of her diaper. She really struggles with diarhea and apparently this morning she lost the battle. :) She was super cranky and I had to fight her to get her changed and in the tub. We got her clean and fed and she was a lot happier. Certainly not my idea of an ideal morning. I like to wake up slowly in bed, maybe five minutes between opening my eyes and feet hitting the floor. But if I do that, I wake up really happy, usually. With small kids though, you wake up running. My kids have both been demanding morning people and my husband isn't really a before noon kind of guy, but he's working on it.
But seriously, how many times do you wake up and something is trying to destroy your day before it even gets started?? It's crazy. I've decided to call it what it is, an attitude deterant, and get on with my day. God is good, I'm alive and I have lots to do! (as I waste time blogging - I know, it's an addiction).
More to come later. I learned a lot about being content with what we have too. A very powerful message. So much that I scrapbooked it last night. I will post my page later today. Hoping to finish up the three pages I started last night. It's going to be a good day. Even though it's Tuesday and I always miss Rob on Tuesdays... it's going to be a good day.
Nov 21, 2005
enjoying the last few moments of quiet before Eli bursts in the door...
I love that he goes to school every day. Most moms cry when their babies head out the door to school for the first time. I was beside myself at the prospect of 2 hours to myself while he learned and Brea slept. I treasure my three partial afternoons a week. I scrap, I plan, I clean, I catch up. Heck, sometimes I even plop down and turn on a soap opera for twenty minutes, just because I CAN! It's so refreshing, I love it. He loves his school too, they learn so much every day, do so much that I wouldn't have time to do with him. I'm very thankful.
Speaking of thanksgiving. It's just around the corner, three days away. I'm kind of sad. I really wanted to go home to see my folks again, but the drive is so tough with Sarah. Rob needs to study. Our finances don't really need to spend $100 in extra gas. I am just so sad to be home alone for both holidays. It's kind of depressing.
So let's be thankful instead. Quick, before I have to go, I'm going to think of five things to be thankful for.
1) my family. 2 beautiful, charming lovable children and a sexy, loving husband.
2) great friends near and far.
3) I just got mail from my cousin, Sara! That's something to be thankful for!
4) That even though we are away from family, I can still cook an amazing holiday feast. I'm a great cook and we are all thankful for that! :) (as I brag - sorry)
5) Our new house is really only 25 days away!!!
I love that he goes to school every day. Most moms cry when their babies head out the door to school for the first time. I was beside myself at the prospect of 2 hours to myself while he learned and Brea slept. I treasure my three partial afternoons a week. I scrap, I plan, I clean, I catch up. Heck, sometimes I even plop down and turn on a soap opera for twenty minutes, just because I CAN! It's so refreshing, I love it. He loves his school too, they learn so much every day, do so much that I wouldn't have time to do with him. I'm very thankful.
Speaking of thanksgiving. It's just around the corner, three days away. I'm kind of sad. I really wanted to go home to see my folks again, but the drive is so tough with Sarah. Rob needs to study. Our finances don't really need to spend $100 in extra gas. I am just so sad to be home alone for both holidays. It's kind of depressing.
So let's be thankful instead. Quick, before I have to go, I'm going to think of five things to be thankful for.
1) my family. 2 beautiful, charming lovable children and a sexy, loving husband.
2) great friends near and far.
3) I just got mail from my cousin, Sara! That's something to be thankful for!
4) That even though we are away from family, I can still cook an amazing holiday feast. I'm a great cook and we are all thankful for that! :) (as I brag - sorry)
5) Our new house is really only 25 days away!!!
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