Anna-thology

Warning! Not for the faint of heart. I am barely responsible for what I say in today's post, realize that I am mad and this IS my personal venting space!

It's one of those days where you question everything. Do you know what I mean? Eli is just pushing all my buttons and I am left wondering if I am really cut out for this whole motherhood thing? I'm kind of high-strung. (shocking, I know) It started with Sarah not eating her lunch, which annoys me. She throws her food on the floor. She screams. It's real pretty. BUT, she has had diarrea for nearly a week. At this point I will let her eat anything, just to keep her from dehydration. She's had an iv twice for dehydration, been hospitalized once, so it's a real possiblitiy. So I was giving her alternatives to what we were eating, like grapes and cheese, anything to get her to eat. Finally I just wound up putting her in bed, she was exhausted anyway. I come back, seriously like five bites into my re-heated thanksgiving dinner and Eli announces he's done and would like something else, maybe cheese and crackers. Rob refuses and tells him to eat his dinner. Eli pitches a fit. The whole thing escalates. Eli refusing, us insisting. Inside I can't believe we are fighting over thanksgiving dinner, I spent 4 hours preparing and cleaning up after yesterday. Keep in mind, Rob spent most of yesterday in the bathroom with a flu bug, Sarah of course refused dinner, and Eli picked at it yesterday, so basically I ate and that's it. So now we are attempting to eat it again, as a family.
Realizing all that, I got so mad at Eli. He takes me for granted so badly, this is an on-going subject in our house right now. He's very demanding, insistant. It's hard on my ego. My personality is the type to wait on everybody, all the time, so I'm a big fat enabler as far as all that goes. [when I was a kid I had a hard time finishing my meals, but my dad always served me too much, and as a result I give Eli very small servings. Plus, I have to say that I am a very good cook, nothing super fancy, but great basics. Rob'll back me up on that!]
I wound up yelling at him, shoving corn dish in his mouth and storming out the door. I'm such a jerk like that. I just can't handle the situation. Seriously, maybe we should have thought this through before we started reproducing!!! I get so frustrated because I gave up a lot to stay home with Eli. I had a good job, made good money, was really active in church. Now I do nothing. I effect no one, outside of the four walls of this super crappy house. (Now I'm just in a downward spiral - so bail now if you don't want to go down with me!) It just seems like the past five years we went from a lot to so little. Sometimes I can't even believe how much we've given up to stay home with Eli and to put Rob through school. I think if I had seen the price tag (not financially - but what it would 'cost' us in frustration, decency, humility, etc) I would have said absolutely stinking not. It's not my dream, I don't want it that bad! See, deep down I'm really just a selfish person just like everyone else. There, I said it, you were all thinking it anyway! It's crazy how hard all this is hitting me NOW of all times, with three weeks to go. I just want say pish, I don't want to take another step. So not an option. The coward in me always wants to quit, but that's simply not possible in life. Especially with kids, you just have to get up and keep going. No matter how much bird poop you have on your face. All I want to do is stand here and curse the bird!! (waiting for my apology!)
The truth of the matter is I am so lonely. I'm cooped up in this tiny house and I can't stand another day of it. Three years is about two and half years too long. I miss my friends. I miss being social. We've only been to MOPs twice so far this year. The no car thing is really a downer on that. Plus you factor in my always-sick children and we just don't get out much.
I miss being able to shop. I really miss having an income. We are so broke right now. I'm really regretting my little trip to Branson last week with Kim. The registration on the car cost 5 times what I expected it to, so we are wiped out until Rob's new job starts. It scares me, having nothing. It's not like we have a credit card we can live off of until that first check. We just have to trust. And I do. This is just a really hard time of year to be broke! Rob and I decided we will just have to skip Christmas for each other this year, which sucks honestly. Cause it's not like we go around randomly buying each other fun stuff during the rest of the year, we both really look forward to christmas. I keep remembering Sunday's sermon - "BE CONTENT" and it's a mantra in my head, but not really helping just yet.
Ugh, I'm just whining. Please no nasty posts, I'm seriously just in a funk. *oo-bah*oo--bah* (deep breaths, from StarWars Episode 3) Not really sure what to do with Eli. Selling him to the circus is sounding like a positive option right about now. Rob jokes that we'd get a lot for him, he's so stinking cute!
I am truly tempted to think about looking for a job. Just to have something that's mine, but I'll be so busy with the house and stuff once we get moved that it's unlikely. Plus I really do want to stay home with Brea until she's in school. I owe it to her. I don't know. Just pray for me today. I really need it. Getting through these next three weeks will be a push, I know. I'm so ready. I wish we were moving tomorrow. I really think this house just has a bad vibe!