Am I a bad person?
I have to say I am really starting to wonder. It seems like a lot of things are falling apart in our lives right now and I can't help but start to think it's us. Nothings changed with the IL position. We are still moving forward with that. But everything here is just a mess. We almost got fired today. I say we figuratively, because Rob's the only church employee, but I am (by default) an unpaid employee. I just feel so broken and bitter. I am praying that God can heal my heart after we leave this place and I can find my joy again. I feel like we've been used and unappreciated. But from the phone call it seems they feel the same way and I can see it from both angles. It still hurts. This isn't who we are, this place. I cannot believe we've been here three years, almost half our marriage. I am hoping we can revert back to our former selves.
I've always struggled with low self-esteem, but now I am really struggling with worth after this. I've never felt so... I can't even find a word for it... defeated. Once, a long time ago, (Eli was four months) I nearly got fired from a jewelry store in Sioux City. I wound up resigning before my boss could utter the words. It was very difficult. I struggled with these same feelings. But this is harder because it's our church home too.
Well, I've probably said too much, but I feel weighted. Kim is coming over tonight so I'm sure we'll pick it apart then. Rob seems unworried, but he is confident in the IL job and being able to turn in his resignation shortly. I will rejoice on that day, and tenfold more the day we pack up the moving van and say goodbye forever. That's it, I am a bad person, but I will get better.
Sep 30, 2005
I'm an idiot.
and you probably already figured that out. After that long post I looked at my previous one and realized I had hashed it all out several days ago. Sleep deprivation will do that to you, wipe your hard drive clean and you can't remember whether you are coming or going, scratching your watch and winding your butt. Just wanted to say I noticed it, so no nasty comments, kay?
and you probably already figured that out. After that long post I looked at my previous one and realized I had hashed it all out several days ago. Sleep deprivation will do that to you, wipe your hard drive clean and you can't remember whether you are coming or going, scratching your watch and winding your butt. Just wanted to say I noticed it, so no nasty comments, kay?
WOOHOO!! I'm so cool!
(yeah, right) but I can't help but feel cool right now, I finally figured out my profile picture, by myself, no help from computer nerd hubby. (I say that in love, and he knows it) I love to figure things out on my own, it's the problem solver in me, overcoming obstacles. Plus I'm stubborn (not proud - just stubborn) so it's hard for me to ask for help. Now the next step is figuring out how to add some music, but not this morning or I won't have time to write.
Everything here is moving forward in it's own strange way. We interviewed with a church in Louisville, KY last night on the phone. It sounds very nice, but I don't think we are ready for a church of that size. Plus the pastor majorly sounded like an over-achiever, which is great for him, but I think he would expect that from Rob too. He said that he started working yesterday at 7:30am and finished at 10:30pm. I couldn't help but feel sorry for his wife and kids. We talked about it when we got off the phone and I just think, sure you could spend every waking hour at church and with youth. But you have a family, young kids, and you can't get that time with them back. This is it. If we don't build right relationships with them now, then they won't come to us when they are older and have a choice where to find influence. Does that make sense?
I thought we would get off the phone and Rob would be all for it and ready to blow off the St. Louis position, but his reaction was polar opposite, which makes me know it's God. We just decided that we would be closer knit in this little town. He'd be in for lunch every day. He'd be just steps across the lawn in the office. We could attend local games as a family. Pastor sounds very flexible about time, understanding that a lot of youth ministry takes place at night. Honestly too, I'm really excited about being so close to my cousin and her family. My sister will only be about 2 1/2 hours away as well. I just think it's where we belong for this first position, and he does too. Provided their salary package is appropriate, we plan on accepting the job. (which is crazy to me.)
The reality of that is sinking in. We are excited. scared. overwhelmed. ready. I guess I haven't talked about this at all, but we would move quickly, before school is done. Fall break is two weekends away and that would be our goal, simply because we would have 4 days rather than 2. We'd get moved in and Rob would commute during the week, staying with friends and eating in the caf. I think it would be good for him, getting to have more of the college experience, connecting with his fellow students, and most importantly not having this place to take care of - concentrating on his studies. Speaking of studies, I'm very concerned that he's not spending enough time on them. He might just squeak through this last semester, which saddens me since he's worked so hard for so long. Anyway, I'd live in IL with the kids, he'd leave on Monday am and return Friday pm every week. The consolation is that it's only for eight more weeks and thanksgiving is one of those weeks, so is fall break. I'll be super busy remodeling and setting up house. It will be a project, but I think it's do-able.
So we are waiting for the fated phone call. We are both pretty confident that we will be offered the position, but not confident about the salary package, which pastor will present after the board meeting. I have a very good idea of a minimum need on our behalf, having crunched the numbers and even asking Lori to crunch them too. So we just pray that they are realistic about living expenses with two small kids. We will know more Monday, possibly even Sunday. Until then, we pray and seek God's will.
(yeah, right) but I can't help but feel cool right now, I finally figured out my profile picture, by myself, no help from computer nerd hubby. (I say that in love, and he knows it) I love to figure things out on my own, it's the problem solver in me, overcoming obstacles. Plus I'm stubborn (not proud - just stubborn) so it's hard for me to ask for help. Now the next step is figuring out how to add some music, but not this morning or I won't have time to write.
Everything here is moving forward in it's own strange way. We interviewed with a church in Louisville, KY last night on the phone. It sounds very nice, but I don't think we are ready for a church of that size. Plus the pastor majorly sounded like an over-achiever, which is great for him, but I think he would expect that from Rob too. He said that he started working yesterday at 7:30am and finished at 10:30pm. I couldn't help but feel sorry for his wife and kids. We talked about it when we got off the phone and I just think, sure you could spend every waking hour at church and with youth. But you have a family, young kids, and you can't get that time with them back. This is it. If we don't build right relationships with them now, then they won't come to us when they are older and have a choice where to find influence. Does that make sense?
I thought we would get off the phone and Rob would be all for it and ready to blow off the St. Louis position, but his reaction was polar opposite, which makes me know it's God. We just decided that we would be closer knit in this little town. He'd be in for lunch every day. He'd be just steps across the lawn in the office. We could attend local games as a family. Pastor sounds very flexible about time, understanding that a lot of youth ministry takes place at night. Honestly too, I'm really excited about being so close to my cousin and her family. My sister will only be about 2 1/2 hours away as well. I just think it's where we belong for this first position, and he does too. Provided their salary package is appropriate, we plan on accepting the job. (which is crazy to me.)
The reality of that is sinking in. We are excited. scared. overwhelmed. ready. I guess I haven't talked about this at all, but we would move quickly, before school is done. Fall break is two weekends away and that would be our goal, simply because we would have 4 days rather than 2. We'd get moved in and Rob would commute during the week, staying with friends and eating in the caf. I think it would be good for him, getting to have more of the college experience, connecting with his fellow students, and most importantly not having this place to take care of - concentrating on his studies. Speaking of studies, I'm very concerned that he's not spending enough time on them. He might just squeak through this last semester, which saddens me since he's worked so hard for so long. Anyway, I'd live in IL with the kids, he'd leave on Monday am and return Friday pm every week. The consolation is that it's only for eight more weeks and thanksgiving is one of those weeks, so is fall break. I'll be super busy remodeling and setting up house. It will be a project, but I think it's do-able.
So we are waiting for the fated phone call. We are both pretty confident that we will be offered the position, but not confident about the salary package, which pastor will present after the board meeting. I have a very good idea of a minimum need on our behalf, having crunched the numbers and even asking Lori to crunch them too. So we just pray that they are realistic about living expenses with two small kids. We will know more Monday, possibly even Sunday. Until then, we pray and seek God's will.
Sep 28, 2005
Good Morning!!
The sun is shining, the tank is clean.... THE TANK IS CLEAN!!! (for all you finding nemo fans out there!)
Ahh... deep cleansing breath. Despite my four hours of sleep last night I feel really REALLY good this morning. Rob had a super late class and chapel last night so I was up late scrapbooking and talking with my little sis on the phone (way to multi-task like a hall-of-famer wannabe) till he came in. Then we talked for two hours - which is funny because we talked about the St. Louis metro position. That is funny because I had proposed us not talking about it for a couple days and then getting together and re-hashing it - since we appear to be at odds about it. But he was sounding very pro taking the position in the wee hours this am. I'm not holding my breath yet though, he's been very back and forth since Saturday. We have some major things to think through first - an interview on Thursday pm with a church in KY, plus he wants to follow up on three seperate resumes he's already sent out. Then of course, there is the offer - wondering how generous it will be. We have a figure in mind that we need, but we'll see where they go on Sunday or Monday. If anybody is actually reading this, pray for us while we are seeking God's will. This is a delicate matter and a huge decision for us.
There are also little things to pull together, like that fact that we (near) desperately need a car. I think we can get together a hefty down payment, but I'm not sure we can get a loan after having a job with so little income for so long. It could take some time to dig out.
I do find it interesting that during this whole job search I have been praying that it would be fast and furious, that we would barely have time to struggle with "is this God's will?". When we sold our house in Sioux City and moved to Springfield it all happened within one month - crazy fast and purposeful. You just knew that God was in it. If this position happens we would move next month and I think it would be pretty sudden, but that is just exciting to me, not overwhelming. I say this in the midst of boxes, because I've been pre-packing for several months now, anticipating a December move.
If we take this job it will mean Rob and I would live in seperate states 5 days a week for 8 weeks. That is a surreal thought to me, I depend on him so much. Not just for help with the kiddos, but for sanity. I'm sure we would talk every night, since the church will hook him up with a cell phone. Plus Lori will call and that will keep me sane.
Some of the important perks are there, like I searched for a scrapbook store and there is one 2 miles from the house. I also searched for a MOPs group and found one (again) 2 miles away. There is a little room off the back of the kitchen that Rob and I agreed could be my scrapbook 'studio' which makes me soooo happy I could cry, I've always wanted a 'studio'. It's just fun to say "If you need me dear, I'll be in my studio." Ya know what I mean??? There are a lot more perks, but I don't want to go into them, since I haven't talked to Rob yet this morning, he may have changed his mind by now. :)
I'm just trusting for God's leading and that the wrong doors will close and the right one will open. We shall see.
On an aside, I'm going to see about adding some links to my blog, some fun new websites to check out, including the MOPs website, a couple other scrapper's blogs, and my best friend's blog. Also going to see about doing some more pictures of my cutie petootie kids. Enjoy!
The sun is shining, the tank is clean.... THE TANK IS CLEAN!!! (for all you finding nemo fans out there!)
Ahh... deep cleansing breath. Despite my four hours of sleep last night I feel really REALLY good this morning. Rob had a super late class and chapel last night so I was up late scrapbooking and talking with my little sis on the phone (way to multi-task like a hall-of-famer wannabe) till he came in. Then we talked for two hours - which is funny because we talked about the St. Louis metro position. That is funny because I had proposed us not talking about it for a couple days and then getting together and re-hashing it - since we appear to be at odds about it. But he was sounding very pro taking the position in the wee hours this am. I'm not holding my breath yet though, he's been very back and forth since Saturday. We have some major things to think through first - an interview on Thursday pm with a church in KY, plus he wants to follow up on three seperate resumes he's already sent out. Then of course, there is the offer - wondering how generous it will be. We have a figure in mind that we need, but we'll see where they go on Sunday or Monday. If anybody is actually reading this, pray for us while we are seeking God's will. This is a delicate matter and a huge decision for us.
There are also little things to pull together, like that fact that we (near) desperately need a car. I think we can get together a hefty down payment, but I'm not sure we can get a loan after having a job with so little income for so long. It could take some time to dig out.
I do find it interesting that during this whole job search I have been praying that it would be fast and furious, that we would barely have time to struggle with "is this God's will?". When we sold our house in Sioux City and moved to Springfield it all happened within one month - crazy fast and purposeful. You just knew that God was in it. If this position happens we would move next month and I think it would be pretty sudden, but that is just exciting to me, not overwhelming. I say this in the midst of boxes, because I've been pre-packing for several months now, anticipating a December move.
If we take this job it will mean Rob and I would live in seperate states 5 days a week for 8 weeks. That is a surreal thought to me, I depend on him so much. Not just for help with the kiddos, but for sanity. I'm sure we would talk every night, since the church will hook him up with a cell phone. Plus Lori will call and that will keep me sane.
Some of the important perks are there, like I searched for a scrapbook store and there is one 2 miles from the house. I also searched for a MOPs group and found one (again) 2 miles away. There is a little room off the back of the kitchen that Rob and I agreed could be my scrapbook 'studio' which makes me soooo happy I could cry, I've always wanted a 'studio'. It's just fun to say "If you need me dear, I'll be in my studio." Ya know what I mean??? There are a lot more perks, but I don't want to go into them, since I haven't talked to Rob yet this morning, he may have changed his mind by now. :)
I'm just trusting for God's leading and that the wrong doors will close and the right one will open. We shall see.
On an aside, I'm going to see about adding some links to my blog, some fun new websites to check out, including the MOPs website, a couple other scrapper's blogs, and my best friend's blog. Also going to see about doing some more pictures of my cutie petootie kids. Enjoy!
Sep 27, 2005
Spinning in place again.
Funny how my life seems so slow and fast at the same time. Crazy and placent in the same breath. We are job hunting. We found something, but not sure if it's the place for us. Somehow I thought it would be more black and white than this, but it's my life so that's not likely and I should have known better.
I think I'm really interested in this place - a small town in IL really close to St. Louis. I can't tell if I'm interested because I want it to be decided already, or because it seems like the right thing to do, or if I just don't want to disappoint these wonderful people. I'm just anxious to get started with the rest of our life.
I'll post more later. Kiddo's are sleeping, Rob's at class for another couple hours and my scrapbook stuff is calling my name. I'm really going to try for HOF this year, so I need to get cracking.
Funny how my life seems so slow and fast at the same time. Crazy and placent in the same breath. We are job hunting. We found something, but not sure if it's the place for us. Somehow I thought it would be more black and white than this, but it's my life so that's not likely and I should have known better.
I think I'm really interested in this place - a small town in IL really close to St. Louis. I can't tell if I'm interested because I want it to be decided already, or because it seems like the right thing to do, or if I just don't want to disappoint these wonderful people. I'm just anxious to get started with the rest of our life.
I'll post more later. Kiddo's are sleeping, Rob's at class for another couple hours and my scrapbook stuff is calling my name. I'm really going to try for HOF this year, so I need to get cracking.
Sep 20, 2005
Remember how last time I posted I said Sarah's ear infection wasn't that bad? Well, I lied. How is it you put a child on antibiotics and she gets worse??? Now she's pulling at the other ear and still not sleeping. (last night was #5 on little or no sleep). I called the dr this morning and while I was waiting for the return call she came down with drastic diarhea, I think she just doesn't do well with antibiotics. Anyway, I want to know if there is a support program for moms like me?? Stressed out to the max. I can't get anywhere, so it's just un-ending. I am so thankful for my small group though, we met last night and it just refreshes me. I'm glad too, cause I was in for such a rough night afterwards.
We are rapidly coming up on our interview this weekend, still no word from the St. Charles church, but we are praying. I'm starting to be concerned that Sarah won't be well enough to make the trip. Do I send Rob alone then?? I'm just praying she'll get better at this point, it's been a week already. We'll go in this afternoon and see what the pediatrician knows.
I stopped in to a scrapbook store last night on my way to small group. I kind of felt bad spending anything on myself at this point, but I was looking for some chipboards label holders, which they had (and I love). It was fun though, I hadn't been in this particular store in about four months and they had so much new stuff, a lot of the hip product touted on 2peas that is never in stock. Plus I always like to buy in real life better then online, it must be the thrill of the hunt for me, I'm not sure. I was really well behaved, bought my chipboard and then some really fun new paper; MOD, Gin-X, some fun new K&Co. It was exciting. I did a fun page last night, and worked on another this morning. It is so my sanity! I felt guilty scrapping when the kitchen floor is sticky, but I really didn't have energy to scrub the floor and scrapping makes me feel better.
Well, I should probably get going. I thought I could blog real quickly while I finished my lunch. Just covering this afternoon with prayer that we can get this thing with Sarah solved.
We are rapidly coming up on our interview this weekend, still no word from the St. Charles church, but we are praying. I'm starting to be concerned that Sarah won't be well enough to make the trip. Do I send Rob alone then?? I'm just praying she'll get better at this point, it's been a week already. We'll go in this afternoon and see what the pediatrician knows.
I stopped in to a scrapbook store last night on my way to small group. I kind of felt bad spending anything on myself at this point, but I was looking for some chipboards label holders, which they had (and I love). It was fun though, I hadn't been in this particular store in about four months and they had so much new stuff, a lot of the hip product touted on 2peas that is never in stock. Plus I always like to buy in real life better then online, it must be the thrill of the hunt for me, I'm not sure. I was really well behaved, bought my chipboard and then some really fun new paper; MOD, Gin-X, some fun new K&Co. It was exciting. I did a fun page last night, and worked on another this morning. It is so my sanity! I felt guilty scrapping when the kitchen floor is sticky, but I really didn't have energy to scrub the floor and scrapping makes me feel better.
Well, I should probably get going. I thought I could blog real quickly while I finished my lunch. Just covering this afternoon with prayer that we can get this thing with Sarah solved.
Sep 16, 2005
Either life has slowed down or the G-forces just aren't having the same effect. I just have to take a deep breath from the past few weeks. It seems like we've been running from crisis to crisis. I'm not really sure it's let up, but perhaps I'm just used to the momentum by now.
Not really sure where to start, not sure where we left off. Right now Brea (my 1 year old daughter) has an ear infection. But you can tell we've had lots of much worse health issues to deal with because I'm being so casual about it, diagnosed her myself before we even got to the pediatrician's office. She was tugging at her ear and she just hasn't been sleeping, which of course, makes me crazy cause I can't scrapbook (ie; breath!) the past few days. I have all these ideas (mostly from those crazy effers) be-bopping around in my head and they are dying to get out onto paper and pictures but I digress. Anyhoo, dear daughter is miserable, hence wreaking havoc on our otherwise havoc-filled home. She literally hasn't slept in two days, with the exception of 7 hours last night. Have to say I'm almost sick of looking at her. :) She's sweet though, even when she's sickie. And I'm so thankful that it's not something more serious, since her iv has only been out about 10 days.
Eli, my four year old son, is doing well. He loves school, but it still kills me to send him away 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I'm just scared of what he might learn, but I know it's good for him. I can't protect him from everything forever, I may as well learn that lesson now. Every day we pray with him and remind him to "make good choices" and secretly I hope that echoes in his little ears all day long. He is randomly breaking out in a rash, has been for months now and it's definately got Rob and I freaked out, since the pediatrician is clueless as to what might be causing the mystery rash.
Rob and I are awesome. I know I say that often, but I really mean it. I was telling my bf the other day how if I could choose between any other guy in a 'better' situation or Rob in this same exact situation, I would choose Rob every time. He's my penguin. (they mate for life) I cannot believe how in tune with each other we are at this fateful 7th year. I've heard so many things about year number seven, how it's the worst, the hardest, the one where you just want to walk away. We've had several rough years as a family, crummy circumstances, senseless tragedies, etc, but things with us are top notch. I remember year #2 being really tough, we had some stuff to work out, but since then it just keeps getting better.
The job search continues. It's tiring, getting excited over each possibility and then hearing a door shut or just being left hanging. It makes me pray harder, relying on the fact that God has a precise plan for our lives, and He is in control.
Well, it's time to get those kidddos to bed, pert near anyway. Hopefully I'll get to play tonight, I'm so in the mood. Oh, that's the other thing, the new rules for HOF are up and I think I'm going to submit. Why not? I've been rejected before, I have thick skin. (that's a lie and I know it) But seriously, I didn't submit last year and I seriously regretted it, so at least if I do this year I will have some great layouts to show for it.
Ok, and this is random, but I just got a phone call with a water survey, and she knew my name (which is strange) but I laughed because she called me Mrs. Thoreson and my gut reaction was "that's not me, that's my mother-in-law". Ha! After 2 kids and nearly 8 years! Oh well.
Not really sure where to start, not sure where we left off. Right now Brea (my 1 year old daughter) has an ear infection. But you can tell we've had lots of much worse health issues to deal with because I'm being so casual about it, diagnosed her myself before we even got to the pediatrician's office. She was tugging at her ear and she just hasn't been sleeping, which of course, makes me crazy cause I can't scrapbook (ie; breath!) the past few days. I have all these ideas (mostly from those crazy effers) be-bopping around in my head and they are dying to get out onto paper and pictures but I digress. Anyhoo, dear daughter is miserable, hence wreaking havoc on our otherwise havoc-filled home. She literally hasn't slept in two days, with the exception of 7 hours last night. Have to say I'm almost sick of looking at her. :) She's sweet though, even when she's sickie. And I'm so thankful that it's not something more serious, since her iv has only been out about 10 days.
Eli, my four year old son, is doing well. He loves school, but it still kills me to send him away 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. I'm just scared of what he might learn, but I know it's good for him. I can't protect him from everything forever, I may as well learn that lesson now. Every day we pray with him and remind him to "make good choices" and secretly I hope that echoes in his little ears all day long. He is randomly breaking out in a rash, has been for months now and it's definately got Rob and I freaked out, since the pediatrician is clueless as to what might be causing the mystery rash.
Rob and I are awesome. I know I say that often, but I really mean it. I was telling my bf the other day how if I could choose between any other guy in a 'better' situation or Rob in this same exact situation, I would choose Rob every time. He's my penguin. (they mate for life) I cannot believe how in tune with each other we are at this fateful 7th year. I've heard so many things about year number seven, how it's the worst, the hardest, the one where you just want to walk away. We've had several rough years as a family, crummy circumstances, senseless tragedies, etc, but things with us are top notch. I remember year #2 being really tough, we had some stuff to work out, but since then it just keeps getting better.
The job search continues. It's tiring, getting excited over each possibility and then hearing a door shut or just being left hanging. It makes me pray harder, relying on the fact that God has a precise plan for our lives, and He is in control.
Well, it's time to get those kidddos to bed, pert near anyway. Hopefully I'll get to play tonight, I'm so in the mood. Oh, that's the other thing, the new rules for HOF are up and I think I'm going to submit. Why not? I've been rejected before, I have thick skin. (that's a lie and I know it) But seriously, I didn't submit last year and I seriously regretted it, so at least if I do this year I will have some great layouts to show for it.
Ok, and this is random, but I just got a phone call with a water survey, and she knew my name (which is strange) but I laughed because she called me Mrs. Thoreson and my gut reaction was "that's not me, that's my mother-in-law". Ha! After 2 kids and nearly 8 years! Oh well.
Sep 6, 2005
"I'm feeling better!"
(spoken in a thick english accent for all you Monty Python fans out there) :) It's been a long time since I've watched the holy grail, but some things are just naturally engraved in your brain...
Seriously, though. It's amazing how a little perpective can change your situation dramatically. In the physical aspect, nothing has changed in our household. But the mentality is suddenly different. I feel a keen sense of hope sliding in, enveloping our family and our frame of mind. Just a few interviews and a lot of talk, Rob and I are re-focusing and ready to tackle this last semester with fervor. We've been interviewing with several churches, it's going really well and I'm gaining confidence about our employability when he's through. The next couple months are going to be really busy and that's just the way I like it.
On the 24th of September we will be heading to the St. Louis metro area for an interview and we are hopefully going to squeeze a second one into that trip. Then in October I'll be headed to IL with my good friend Kim to see my little sister for a couple days. In November we are going to try and do family Thanksgiving here at the camp, we'll see if everyone can make it or not. Then it's December before you know it and we will be getting all set to move! Woohoo! I think that having one big thing each month will maintain momentum, and that will keep me going. Plus there will be little things interspersed in there, like small group outings and visits with Lori and Jay.
The most exciting thing happened yesterday. My sister booked our flight to Paris! I'm just in awe that she would do this for me, it's crazy. But she's dead-set on it and we are going in March, which is only 7 months away and I can't wait. I need to reserve some books at the library for Rob to pick up so I can do some research on where we will go. We are also going to spend one day in Manchester, England, so I can technically call it my "Europe" trip. Oh, the pictures I will take!!!
Speaking of pictures, I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my replacement camera, I can't wait to use it. The kids have grown so much in the almost month it's been gone. I'll finally be able to update my layouts on Two Peas, I'm not even sure how much I've done this past month, but it's alot. I scrapped 2 layouts yesterday and finished up a two page spread this morning. I've been on such a roll lately, it's fun. Wish I could do it for a living, but it's just not working out. I guess that's God's way of saying that I should focus on the kids for now.
We missed our first MOPs meeting of the year this morning, made me sad cause I love MOPs and this will be my last semester with this group. But Eli's been complaining of a sore throat and not feeling well, plus with Brea recovering from being so dehydrated, I figured it was for the best. That's a hard part of being the mom, knowing when to say no. There are a lot of hard parts about being a mom, but it's worth it!
So nothing incredibly deep today. It's Tuesday, my hard day, but we are going to do just fine, I can tell already. I really love these kids. That makes it a lot easier. :)
(spoken in a thick english accent for all you Monty Python fans out there) :) It's been a long time since I've watched the holy grail, but some things are just naturally engraved in your brain...
Seriously, though. It's amazing how a little perpective can change your situation dramatically. In the physical aspect, nothing has changed in our household. But the mentality is suddenly different. I feel a keen sense of hope sliding in, enveloping our family and our frame of mind. Just a few interviews and a lot of talk, Rob and I are re-focusing and ready to tackle this last semester with fervor. We've been interviewing with several churches, it's going really well and I'm gaining confidence about our employability when he's through. The next couple months are going to be really busy and that's just the way I like it.
On the 24th of September we will be heading to the St. Louis metro area for an interview and we are hopefully going to squeeze a second one into that trip. Then in October I'll be headed to IL with my good friend Kim to see my little sister for a couple days. In November we are going to try and do family Thanksgiving here at the camp, we'll see if everyone can make it or not. Then it's December before you know it and we will be getting all set to move! Woohoo! I think that having one big thing each month will maintain momentum, and that will keep me going. Plus there will be little things interspersed in there, like small group outings and visits with Lori and Jay.
The most exciting thing happened yesterday. My sister booked our flight to Paris! I'm just in awe that she would do this for me, it's crazy. But she's dead-set on it and we are going in March, which is only 7 months away and I can't wait. I need to reserve some books at the library for Rob to pick up so I can do some research on where we will go. We are also going to spend one day in Manchester, England, so I can technically call it my "Europe" trip. Oh, the pictures I will take!!!
Speaking of pictures, I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my replacement camera, I can't wait to use it. The kids have grown so much in the almost month it's been gone. I'll finally be able to update my layouts on Two Peas, I'm not even sure how much I've done this past month, but it's alot. I scrapped 2 layouts yesterday and finished up a two page spread this morning. I've been on such a roll lately, it's fun. Wish I could do it for a living, but it's just not working out. I guess that's God's way of saying that I should focus on the kids for now.
We missed our first MOPs meeting of the year this morning, made me sad cause I love MOPs and this will be my last semester with this group. But Eli's been complaining of a sore throat and not feeling well, plus with Brea recovering from being so dehydrated, I figured it was for the best. That's a hard part of being the mom, knowing when to say no. There are a lot of hard parts about being a mom, but it's worth it!
So nothing incredibly deep today. It's Tuesday, my hard day, but we are going to do just fine, I can tell already. I really love these kids. That makes it a lot easier. :)
Sep 4, 2005
I'm sure my insanity has been confirmed by this point. I keep wondering why I am doing this, the blogging thing, but it's cheaper than therapy and I think it's helping. It's a lot easier to examine yourself when it's all typed out, right there on the screen. Easier to see your blatant faults and obvious short comings. I have always wanted to see myself as others see me, only because other people's flaws are so easy to see, but your own are hidden deep within your personality, lurking in the shadows, tripping you up without your knowing it.
I think I'm aware of my big flaws. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, which would be my first major issue ... overthinking. I spend so much time worrying, re-hashing, post-processing nearly every detail of every day. It's exhausting.
I also struggle with caring what other people think too much, in inhibits my ability to make wise choices, because I'm so afraid of what others will say or think or do. I just want everyone to like me, such a people pleaser that it actually irritates some people!!
But I wonder what others can see about me that I can't. I suppose knowing that information would destroy me, since I probably would be incapable of changing it anyway. I still think I want to know, but it's the proverbial Pandora's box, and there would be no unknowing in the aftermath.
Kind of deep today, sorry. It's just such a weird time in my life. I've joked that Springfield has been our 'waiting room' and it's as though they've lost our chart and forgotten to call our name!! But really? It is. And typical Anna fashion, I just sit here thinking about what I could be getting done, or trying to be all productive and working on my to-do list right here in line...
We have the all-church picnic this afternoon here at Sonrise. I've been anxious about it for weeks now, and I'll be thankful just to get it over with. Turns out I won't be out there much anyway, Brea's been so sick, she can't handle all the excitement and doesn't need the people contact. I guess I hadn't posted it, but she had an iv in for several days because she was just that sick, dehydrated again. It seems like she just stops eating and drinking when she doesn't feel good. It's pretty scary. I thought they were going to admit her there for a while, but we pushed fluids and the iv drip instead and she pulled out of it. She still seems pretty sick, but on the road to recovery. It was an intense three days.
Also, to follow up on my post from the other day. Our financial situation is pretty dire, but Rob and I worked up a plan to make things work until his student loans/grants come in. I think we'll make it. We also had an interview with St. Charles River Church last night and we both felt confidant, so we'll see where that goes.
I think I'm aware of my big flaws. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, which would be my first major issue ... overthinking. I spend so much time worrying, re-hashing, post-processing nearly every detail of every day. It's exhausting.
I also struggle with caring what other people think too much, in inhibits my ability to make wise choices, because I'm so afraid of what others will say or think or do. I just want everyone to like me, such a people pleaser that it actually irritates some people!!
But I wonder what others can see about me that I can't. I suppose knowing that information would destroy me, since I probably would be incapable of changing it anyway. I still think I want to know, but it's the proverbial Pandora's box, and there would be no unknowing in the aftermath.
Kind of deep today, sorry. It's just such a weird time in my life. I've joked that Springfield has been our 'waiting room' and it's as though they've lost our chart and forgotten to call our name!! But really? It is. And typical Anna fashion, I just sit here thinking about what I could be getting done, or trying to be all productive and working on my to-do list right here in line...
We have the all-church picnic this afternoon here at Sonrise. I've been anxious about it for weeks now, and I'll be thankful just to get it over with. Turns out I won't be out there much anyway, Brea's been so sick, she can't handle all the excitement and doesn't need the people contact. I guess I hadn't posted it, but she had an iv in for several days because she was just that sick, dehydrated again. It seems like she just stops eating and drinking when she doesn't feel good. It's pretty scary. I thought they were going to admit her there for a while, but we pushed fluids and the iv drip instead and she pulled out of it. She still seems pretty sick, but on the road to recovery. It was an intense three days.
Also, to follow up on my post from the other day. Our financial situation is pretty dire, but Rob and I worked up a plan to make things work until his student loans/grants come in. I think we'll make it. We also had an interview with St. Charles River Church last night and we both felt confidant, so we'll see where that goes.
Sep 1, 2005
I'm such a jerk! All I've been doing lately is whining. This hurricane business has got me majorly stressing. Rob and I were up to the wee hours of the morning last night talking. He said he got in the shower last night and started crying because he was so thankful to be able to take a hot shower. We have so much compared to the people on the gulf coast right now. holy cow. I feel blessed.
With that said, I'm working out a new budget for our family, tweaked to compensate for the cost of gas. I'm not sure how we are going to do it. My major concern is getting Rob back and forth to school. With gas sitting at the $3 a gallon it is right now, I figured we will spend between $48-$60 a week or $192-$240 a month, depending on how accurate I am on the mileage/usage. It's only 8 trips to Springfield a week and doesn't include trips to Walmart, Price Cutter or the doctor's office in Nixa. Now that I'm thinking about it the $240 a month is probably very realistic. Which is frightening, since that is half our take-home income for the month!! That is no unnecessary trips, bare bones what we have to do. I'm just not sure how we are going to do this, but I think about last year and we were driving the ford Ltd and that got 15 miles to the gallon, so the price of gas has virtually stayed the same for us, we are filling up less often but paying the same or close... just in much bigger chunks. (to the tune of $45 to fill up) But we barely made it last year, and it's not looking good this year. One more semester...
So, I'm looking into some options for us, trying to develop a plan. My first and most obvious solution is to ask for a raise. Surely they have to consider this dramatic cost of living increase. Otherwise I'm looking into low income housing on the north side of Springfield, somewhere that Rob could walk or bicycle to school. Otherwise we could ask parents for help, something I loathe doing. But really? If it's that or drop out of school because of gas cost? I can suck it up and beg... I'm just praying for wisdom at this point, and peace. Trying not to panic.
With that said, I'm working out a new budget for our family, tweaked to compensate for the cost of gas. I'm not sure how we are going to do it. My major concern is getting Rob back and forth to school. With gas sitting at the $3 a gallon it is right now, I figured we will spend between $48-$60 a week or $192-$240 a month, depending on how accurate I am on the mileage/usage. It's only 8 trips to Springfield a week and doesn't include trips to Walmart, Price Cutter or the doctor's office in Nixa. Now that I'm thinking about it the $240 a month is probably very realistic. Which is frightening, since that is half our take-home income for the month!! That is no unnecessary trips, bare bones what we have to do. I'm just not sure how we are going to do this, but I think about last year and we were driving the ford Ltd and that got 15 miles to the gallon, so the price of gas has virtually stayed the same for us, we are filling up less often but paying the same or close... just in much bigger chunks. (to the tune of $45 to fill up) But we barely made it last year, and it's not looking good this year. One more semester...
So, I'm looking into some options for us, trying to develop a plan. My first and most obvious solution is to ask for a raise. Surely they have to consider this dramatic cost of living increase. Otherwise I'm looking into low income housing on the north side of Springfield, somewhere that Rob could walk or bicycle to school. Otherwise we could ask parents for help, something I loathe doing. But really? If it's that or drop out of school because of gas cost? I can suck it up and beg... I'm just praying for wisdom at this point, and peace. Trying not to panic.
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