Anna-thology

Am I a bad person?

I have to say I am really starting to wonder. It seems like a lot of things are falling apart in our lives right now and I can't help but start to think it's us. Nothings changed with the IL position. We are still moving forward with that. But everything here is just a mess. We almost got fired today. I say we figuratively, because Rob's the only church employee, but I am (by default) an unpaid employee. I just feel so broken and bitter. I am praying that God can heal my heart after we leave this place and I can find my joy again. I feel like we've been used and unappreciated. But from the phone call it seems they feel the same way and I can see it from both angles. It still hurts. This isn't who we are, this place. I cannot believe we've been here three years, almost half our marriage. I am hoping we can revert back to our former selves.

I've always struggled with low self-esteem, but now I am really struggling with worth after this. I've never felt so... I can't even find a word for it... defeated. Once, a long time ago, (Eli was four months) I nearly got fired from a jewelry store in Sioux City. I wound up resigning before my boss could utter the words. It was very difficult. I struggled with these same feelings. But this is harder because it's our church home too.

Well, I've probably said too much, but I feel weighted. Kim is coming over tonight so I'm sure we'll pick it apart then. Rob seems unworried, but he is confident in the IL job and being able to turn in his resignation shortly. I will rejoice on that day, and tenfold more the day we pack up the moving van and say goodbye forever. That's it, I am a bad person, but I will get better.