While I'm Waiting

Feels like something's happening today. Versus yesterday, where it felt like this time period stretches out achingly before us with no end in sight. Tough for me because I'm a planner. I'm good if I can just have my plan in place. Flexible, the plan can be fluid, or have multiple possibilities, but I really like the security of a good plan.

Planning, well, it's been thrown out the window. Instead, I've been reduced to waiting. And the beauty of waiting, the reduction that happens in waiting, is that it opens wide room for God to sweep in, areas of your heart that He's maybe never had access to before. Waiting, while it's hard, it's good.

I've participated in lots of conversations in the past 9 months or so about whether or not associate pastor's should buy houses. I've camped out in both fields. The very nature of an associate pastor is so tenuous, it's easy to say, no never. It's totally brainless to buy a house when your job is basically never secure. And in the world's eyes, I think I agree with that. But I'm not supposed to look through the world's eyes. I'm supposed to view my life with God's eyes, with His vision for my path, and to remember that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.

Looking back to June of 2007, the last thing I wanted to do was buy a house. Owning way back in Sioux City, years ago, scared the tar out of me with just the sheer weight of the responsibility of home ownership. And God so covered us in that transition; from Sioux City to Bible College, when I think about His grace, so generous when we were so young and stupid, well, it reminds me yet again, how good God is, and that is grace truly is sufficient for me.

When we came to Baytown, it was our senior pastor encouraged us to buy. He wanted a tangible commitment from us. I guess youth pastors have a bad rap, but now having been youth pastors for 5 years, I've got to say that our less-then-longevity rate cannot be solely blamed on the associate. There are a lot of other factors, many of which have nothing to do with job-performance or satisfaction. (I'm just sayin!) Anyway, we have always loved and valued our senior pastors opinion, and God opened doors left and right for this very house that I am sitting in right now. I don't doubt for a moment that it was His will for us to live right here the past three years.

This house has been a tremendous blessing to us, and hopefully to anyone who has ever stepped through it's doors. We've loved, lived, laughed, ministered more in this house than any other place we've called home. God has done amazing things in this house and I am grateful for it, and saddened that it's season is drawing to a close. But I am thankful and will remember all the blessings; all the photos taken, the work done, installing the crown molding as a couple, all the life groups we've shared here, the time we squeezed 27 teenagers on the trampoline, my surprise 30th birthday, hosting Thanksgiving with the Wells and the Tindols, putting the roof on, just to name a few. I get teared up when I think of the wonderful people we've gotten to share this space with. No, I wouldn't trade the past 3 years in this house for anything.

So, do we buy or do we rent again? I don't think it's that simple. I don't think, at this juncture in my life, that I'd be brave enough to tell God "I'd never" on any issue. He's taught me a lot about that these past 6 weeks or so. I think my official opinion is that Rob and I will seek counsel from the Lord on every decision, and trust that He's not going to lead us somewhere where He doesn't intend to provide for us. And I think that is something that I can take to the bank. :)

Keeping Time

Wow. It's been a while again. It's crazy, because I find myself blogging in my head, when I'm busy doing something else. I definitely have things to share, just no time to set down and get after it, I guess. Which is crazy, you would think during this crazy season of our lives that I would have nothing but time, but it seems to be the oppposite. Maybe because I'm squeezing everything normal into our lives on Monday-Thursday, and then traveling to San Antonio on the weekends. Somehow it makes everything seem more crammed, and try as I might, every day I can't seem to get it all done.

This morning's been weird. I woke up late and my allergies are really worked up, plus I think I must have a mild stomach bug. So I just feel like I'm moving underwater a bit. I really need to sit down and do my bible study, which has been my lifeline this past month. But I wanted to prep the house first, in case we get a call for another showing. (we had two over the weekend, and a third cancelled) Anyway, I was headed towards my room to do my quiet time, but then saw the computer and thought about how long it had been since I blogged. So I'm pushing the pause button for a few moments and doing this first.

I titled this post Keeping Time because I feel like that's what we are doing right now. It's just kind of this strange waiting room to be living in. I'm really doing pretty good with it over all, most of the time. God is definitely sustaining me. Today's not my best and brightest, but I'm pretty sure that's just cause I'm not feeling that great. Mondays are always a bit tough, going back to face another week of waiting. I picture a metronome on the piano, and just wonder how many clicks we are counting towards. But with that in mind, I know that God's will is perfect. I can see how He is using this time to grow our family, to grow my passion and love for Him.

It was funny, while we were in SA this weekend, I spent all Friday working the parade with Rob and then went to a graduation party that night, literally no time for quiet time, from the moment I got up until the very end of my day. I prayed while I put up chairs, and I read a few Psalms before my eyes fell shut that night. And by Saturday morning, I felt spiritually parched. Rob and the kids went for scooter rides with Pastor Doug and I holed up in our room with some worship music and the Word. I don't think I've ever been at a point where I craved it like that. awesome. That's God's growth in me right now. That is exciting, and when I think about what God is doing in me, I'm refreshed to continue this season. When I think about how I feel and the endless waiting stretching out before me, I get depressed and sad. So guess what I'm choosing to think about! :)

Also wanted to share a few photos from the weekend. I'm so in love with my kids right now. Even though single parenting is extremely difficult and I rarely feel up to the challenge, I still think they are amazing.

PS - We did have an offer on the house yesterday. But it was insultingly low. I didn't realize how insulting until I did the math and realized we'd need to bring about 10k to closing. Sheesh! We countered, and haven't heard anything back. It expires in about 2 hours, so I'm not holding my breath. I'm praying that there's a better offer out there, that the right person will come and buy our house and it will be a blessing to them like it has been to us.

My Unexpected Share..

So, today I posted a status update on FB...

"well, friends, today God answered a prayer I've been praying for 14 years! What a mighty God we serve! Don't hesitate to ask and keep asking!"

and learned that you can't put a post like that on FB and not get a whole lot of questions. I guess we all want to know the rest of the story, don't we? It's human nature, I guess.

At first I was reluctant, because it's a private matter that I've been less-than-thrilled to discuss with most everyone for years. A few people in my circle of trust knew, but they were all people that I felt were safe, who knew me well enough to feel that they wouldn't hold it against me. The truth is, I was holding it against myself.

So after my 7 comments of "what is it? tell us what God did!" Rob and I discussed it. He encouraged me to share my story with my friends on FB. Why not? Surely that is part of the point of God bringing me through it.

I grew up Catholic and Methodist. At 16 I got really serious about my relationship with God and totally committed my heart to Him. At 17 I started attending Morningside Assembly of God and fell even more in love with Him. I saw how everyone else was worshipping Him, having this deep intimate relationship, especially through speaking in tongues. I first prayed to receive the Holy Spirit back in February 1997, with evidence of tongues. It didn't happen then. I continued to seek Him. Ever since then, I've been praying for this deeper, fuller relationship with the Lord. I've felt like a fraud this whole time, being married to an AG minister and lacking this free gift. I have been at the altar so many times begging God to reveal Himself to me, and always coming back without, feeling inadequate. All this time though, I believed in it. Needless to say, God had to weed through a bit of baggage on my part. :) But today, after speaking with a long-time friend, I just holed myself up in my room, turned on the worship music, and gave myself to God. It took about 3 songs. And then, it was happening. And I didn't stop for 2 hours! (I guess I had a bit pent up over 14 years!) Anyway, it was more amazing than anything I had ever imagined. I feel free and more attune to God. I feel like He can use me more readily than ever before. The only reason I'm sharing all this is to encourage any Christian that hasn't received their free gift of the Holy Spirit. Don't give up. He's faithful, and He's promised it. For me, the big issue was thinking God was just going to grab my tongue and start. My friend helped me understand that I had to speak first, and that it really would sound like nonsense. But I had to fight that feeling and then the Holy Spirit would kick in and do the rest. I had to stop being afraid of feeling stupid or foolish. As soon as I let go of that fear, it happened. Feeling very blessed today. I can totally see why God has Rob and I in the wierd situation we are in. I feel grateful that He loves me that much!

I'm also insanely excited about the future. I'm delving into that bag of 'things I put off because I didn't think I could manage without the power of the Holy Spirit' and it seems to be a bigger bag than I realized! One of my major hold backs has been on continuing my education with Bible College. I've known for about 8 years that I'd like to get my Bible degree and eventually hold papers with the AG, as a compliment to Rob, but also, I really enjoy preaching! I had put it off thinking, sure I could graduate, but never be a minister without receiving the Holy Spirit. Anyway, I'm just excited about the possibilities. And excited to start really using this new gift! :)

Up All Night with some Insight

Had such an interesting experience last night. First off, I think the problem started with taking a Claritin D, which apparently hyped me up rather than making me drowsy. (now we know where Sarah gets it from).

So I couldn't sleep. Like, at all. Was still wide away at 3:30am. I was praying, talking to God, not worried, just restless. After looking at the clock though, that freaked me out a bit. I hate that last few hours before dawn. I felt myself starting to get scared, and I just began to talk with God about it more. I felt like He just plopped a thought in my head, that so applies to our life right now.

"Lord, I give You my strength, and I give You my heart. I exchange them for Yours. Make me more like You."

Just thinking about the house selling, and all the insanity we are walking through right now, I felt God's peace just wash over me. I don't need to do this in my strength, because He's ready and willing to loan me His. awesome. I still didn't fall asleep until about 5am (for that whole hour before Eli wakes up) but I had a good time just talking to Him. And I woke up refreshed and energized for the day, excited to love on my kids this morning. We had an awesome morning, probably the best we've had in 2 weeks.

Then in my quiet time this morning, I'm reading in Exodus. The Israelites have just left Egypt and slavery (which is not at all how I feel about Trinity, Trinity was a season of incredible blessing for us, just for the record) and started out on this journey into the desert.

"And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light. He did not take away the pllar of cloud by day or the pillar of fire by night from before the people." Exodus 13:22-23

Wow, that is so cool. Though they were in their desert experience, a time of testing and trial, God was leading them every step of the way. Following the cloud, they could not see before them, and at night their immediate lives were lit up by the provision of God. They were living in utter faith, and God showed them exactly as much as they needed to know for that day and that night.

Being familiar with the rest of their desert experience, we know that God goes on to provide them with manna, and later quail. And that because of their disobedience, they wound up wandering around the desert for 40 years! (I think I read somewhere that the journey should have only taken 6 months or something)

So, what do I learn from that? Rob and I are in a desert situation. (my friends Lori and Jay seem to be too) And so, we can trust from the story, that God is showing us just what we need to know for each day, and each night. (brilliantly illustrated by my total lack of sleep last night) And we can also trust that God will provide us every bit of sustainance needed along the journey. (the manna and the quail) And finally, if we balk and grump and sin along the way, the desert experience is going to be far more drawn out than it needs to be.

So my prayer is that I will learn to rely on God's strength, trading my ability for His perfect ability and that I will be obedient and right hearted through this experience. Again, it all comes back to trust. My nine year old quoted to me this morning;

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, and in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. " Proverbs 3:4-6

Good stuff from a wise little boy.

It's going to be a beautiful day, don't you think??

Random Photos from Our Day

Trying hard to focus on the kids. Took a few photos today.

This first one is them video chatting with Daddy. They are totally loving that! To Sarah, it's just a giant mirror. Lots of competition to lead the conversation. It's pretty hilarious to watch them try to outdo one another. Rob and I just sit back and giggle.

Then at dinner this evening, they've been enjoying the great prices on cantelope right now. Neither of them can get enough of it. I had to laugh at this site of both of them picking under the saran wrap for seconds.

Sarah had to love on the cat, always. Doesn't Maddie look thrilled with the notion?

And my intellectual child, just had to grab a snapshot. Man, I love these kiddos.

Last but not least, we are no longer a one car family. We've moved up in the world to a one car and one scooter family. Rob and our new pastor found this scooter (brand new out of the box) at about 65% off of retail price. It seemed to be a very good solution to our transportation issue. Just praying he stays safe on it. Couldn't beat the insurance price, $76 a year!!

Hanging On Tightly

a friend of mine posted this on her FB wall this morning, and it exactly summarizes what I am experiencing right now....

from Jesus Calling..."When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly & look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust ME, & don't be afraid."

Well, I am definitely far out of my comfort zone for the time being. I feel like I have to trust God with every step of my day, every breath. But really? that's not such a bad place to be, now is it? I can see where He is growing me, and I'm really trying to keep my attitude in check during this whole process. God is so good, I can trust Him. I'm amazed that He trusts me this much. :)

BTW - this song is in my head. (not the original artist, but awesome just the same)

Not a Lot of Time...

story of my life right now, constant running between here and San Antonio. Between this life and our next. Exciting though, God is pulling some really cool things together. Now if we could just get this house sold... :)

Anyhoo, had to share this amazing song that we heard on Sunday and then again on Wednesday night. Life changing, especially to hear on Easter morning. enjoy!!

happy Easter!!

Jesus is Risen!!

Today was our first Sunday in our new church home, CT Church, in San Antonio. We snapped a few photos on the way to service this morning. Other than that I'll have to blog later, too tired to be productive much longer.