Help! My teenager won’t listen to me!
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this statement from a frazzled parent of one of my students. I completely understand the frustration of feeling like your child is simply not hearing, or caring what you say. How do you cope with a teenager who doesn’t listen? Here are a few guidelines.
Pray before you say anything. We have a tendency to react in the heat of the moment. And often times that first reaction may not be our best reaction. We also have a tendency to lean heavily on human reasoning, rather than our relationship with the creator of the universe (who happened to design your teenager as well). Before you decide what to say, especially on the critical issues, consult the Counselor. Make sure your words are lining up with His heart for your teenager.
Whatever you say, say it in love. You may have the best intentions, and even say the right things, but your tone or body language can instantly undo everything your words are communicating. Studies have shown that up to 93% of communication happens through tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Remember from consulting the Counselor, that His motivation is always love. Ours should be as well. 1 Corinthians 13: 6-7 paints a picture of what real love is and isn’t. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” We should speak truth to teenagers, but always with love. Make sure all of your person is engaging this conversation with love as the highest aim.
Say it often. When you, have decided what to say, and learn to say it in love, remember to say it often. You may begin to feel like a parrot in a pet store, but that’s ok. In youth ministry, we repeat a point over and over, for weeks, sometimes even months or years. How many times? Until they start to repeat it back to you. Until you see them start to live it in their own life. Then you know that they’ve caught the message.
Stay strong, be vigilant. It may help you to remember one of my favorite proverbs, Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I repeat this verse often as a personal mantra over my own children, and I encourage you to hang on to it as well. We serve a mighty God and it is His desire that not one should perish. We can trust that He is working in our teenagers lives with every bit the fervor that we are. The best part is, that He has a much stronger success rate that we do. Go ahead and lean on His strength.
Will it matter in ten years??
So the other day, one of my sweet and mostly innocent children did something exceedingly brainless. Shocking, I know. My reaction was to fret about how Rob would react, mostly because the offense would affect him more than me. I was with a dear friend at the time and she said, so simply, “Will it matter in ten years?” Her comment threw me off kilter, I believe I had to ask her to repeat it. “Will it matter in ten years?”
Well, no, truth be told. It won’t. And honestly, it probably won’t matter in ten days. In six small words she altered my parenting worldview. I spent the rest of the evening turning this thought over in my head. How much time and anxiety and effort have I spent through my lifetime on things that wouldn’t matter in the long haul? Especially when it comes to my children.
Instantly I thought of how this ten year thinking would altar my daily priorities. Dishes and laundry suddenly didn’t seem as important as conversations and laughter, family Bible study and prayer. I was reminded again how my time with my own children (already six and ten) is slipping through my fingers like sand. How much time have I spent on the ten minute plan in lieu of the ten year plan?
Then I began to realize how looking at the big picture would affect parenting a teenager. Little things could slide, if we learned to identify and prioritize the ten year plan. Taking out the trash, cleaning their room? Not so big of a deal as being honest and making God-honoring choices.
You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes we just pick on the little things in our children, especially our teenagers. Take a moment to think about it, are there some things you can let go? Maybe take that time to affirm them instead of reprimand, or better yet – catch them doing something that does matter in the ten year plan.
I find myself often quoting the first part of Ephesians 6 to my children; “Honor your father and mother…so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” As parents we tend to overlook the rest of the context of this scripture. There are directions for mom and dad too, “… do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
So I encourage you to keep the long term goal in mind when it comes to your teenager. Take some time to identify your ten year plan, write it out and post it somewhere you can regularily check in on your progress. Hold yourself accountable to it, and let your teenager in on the plan. The wonder is, as they see you consider the ten year plan, they will learn to consider it for themselves. It may help with longterm decisions like tatoos and girlfriends and indebtedness.
Praying for you friends, as we consider the ten year plan.
