(written a few days ago, I had to tell my mom the story before I shared it with the world)
Today, I am meeting with Pastor Doug and Janet. Not only because they are my pastors, but because Pastor Doug is our Sectional Presbyter. I'm telling them that God called me into pastoral ministry on Thursday night. Wow, even typing that is scary to me, it's such a commitment.
I had some really cool conversations during camp, and God used some people to speak into my life, about my future and about my role at CT, which, of course, is still evolving as I get my feet wet in this new life. I asked some of the pastor's wives to be praying with me about finding my place. It always upsets the apple cart a bit when Rob takes a new job, I've got to find my place all over again. It's a good thing, gives me opportunities to leave ministries I may be burned out on, and explore new areas of giftings. I'm generally pretty excited about it, except for the uncertainty is always kind of eh.
Anyway, God used these conversations to get my attention. And by Thursday afternoon I was really starting to debate in my brain the possibilities of going back to school, but for what? (photography? ministry? gen ed?) and what about working at the church? and what about photography? One of those conversations was with a woman youth pastor who adamantly believes that ministry is in the blood, if your parents are pastors, you are called to be pastors as well.
Well, by service that night God was really tugging on my heart. During worship I had a vision drop in my brain of a white haired man (our District Superintendent here in South Texas) shaking my hand on the platform during ordination at District Council. At first I mentally fought it, thinking I was getting carried away with the service and it was my thoughts and not Gods. The sermon that night was a pretty typical Thursday @ youth camp 'Go do what God is calling you to do" type of sermon, and I fought it in my head the whole time. By the altar call I had convinced myself that if God really wanted me to pursue pastoral ministry He could send me some sort of confirmation. If I really had recieved a calling I figured it would be like pregnancy, in that it would only continue to grow over time and eventually be unavoidable. When the altar call was given, I only stood because the speaker asked all the leadership to stand, I mumbled it half-heartedly, still turning the vision over in my brain, trying to decide if it was me or God. I convinced myself that someone would approach me and say "God told me He called you into ministry" if that was really what God was trying to tell me. Or at least Rob would come up and say something along those lines. I was praying this really hard when I felt a hand on my back and turned around to find Rob. :) He needed my help with something, so my altar moment was done and I was relieved.
We went on to lead the Prayer Mountain climb together, hand in hand, lighting the way up the mountain with 500 students in our wake. (symbolism, anyone?) The whole time I was on the mountain I wrestled with God; are You sure? Me? Have I heard you wrong?
I guess I'm so careful because I would never want to do ministry for the wrong reason. I don't want to do it because it's a logical next step, I want to do it because I'm called. When I was in college my chaplain encouraged me to go into pastoral ministry and I insisted that God hadn't called me and I wouldn't do it without a calling. Minsitry is too tough to do unless God specifically told you to do it.
So we come down the mountain and I stand at the bottom, ensuring a safe arrival of all of the students. At the very last, one of our youth comes to me and says "Ms. Anna, I've got to tell you, God told me he wants me to be a youth pastor" and it was all that I could do to hold myself in and keep from saying "no way, me too!"and I knew at that moment that it was true. I also couldn't tell my student until I'd shared with Rob and found out how he felt about the entire situation. So I stood there, grinning like an idiot while he told me all about it. He told me how God had given him a vision before the message even began (just like me) and later how God had given him confirmation. It was so cool. And Rob had joined us, and he was so happy for him. Very cool.
But I held my tongue. I needed to find a time to tell Rob in private, to let him process it. Finally, at 2pm the next day, we were finally alone and face to face, having lunch on the way to pick up our kids. I timidly told him, afraid that he may feel jilted or intimidated or like I was trying to steal the show. He was so completely supportive, and loving and excited for me. He totally sees my pursuing pastoral ministry as a compliment to him. He's all for me talking to the district about what classes I need and undergoing the process. I'm so thrilled that he's on board, I had really prayed about it.
So if I had any more questions about what God was calling me to do, this morning we had a guest speaker, a missionary from Poland. He spoke on Excuses and doing what God was calling you to do. His three major points were that we fight God because we think we are too old, too young, or because we are 'just a woman'. You can't imagine the irony of this 70 year old missionary talking to us about the myth of being limited because you are a woman. It was crazy, like God was just using this unlikely source, this missionary, to speak directly to me to confirm the callling He'd placed in my heart 4 days ago. Rob and I just looked at each other and laughed. It was so bizarre, I couldn't help but wonder if the other people in the service were just wondering what this guy was talking about!?! But God really used him, and when he gave the altar call I was already doing the Holy Spirit shake from the inside out, and promising God that I wouldn't ignore Him a second time. I boogied my way down to the altar and got down on my knees and accepted His calling right there. It was one of the most supernatural experiences of my life thus far, and I say thus far because lately God has been doing crazier and crazier things in me and I'm sure not going to limit Him.
I just posted that 'Holy Spirit' dream from last August, where God had given me authority over demons and after witnessing the past few months, that seems more than possible. I prayed this afternoon to not limit God's power in me, that I would be a willing and faithful vessel for all that He has to offer.
So now that I've had a few days to think about it, I'm just getting excited. I'm meeting with Pastor today, I'm calling Berean today to find out about classes. I understand that there is a group already meeting in Houston to work on their certification, I'm wondering if it's too late to join. I can't wait to get some information and start moving forward.
I can't believe that God wants this from me. And yet, I look back at my life and I can plainly see where He's been drawing me towards this since I was tiny. I feel like my whole life had been careening towards this point and I can't believe I was so blind or stubborn before as to not see it. And I laugh, because I thought the whole point of Rob and I being apart was for me to learn to depend fully on God and to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but really, that was just a next stepping stone toward this real goal. I'm overwelmed by God's grace and His goodness and I'm so thankful to finally have my priorities straight. I still adore my husband, but I could live without him. I could never survive with an absense of God's presence in my life. I'm so amazed at His perfect plan and I know that if I'm faithful to walk His ordered steps of righteousness for my life, that I can never walk out of His will for me, and it will be far more exciting than anything I've ever fathomed on my own.
You all probably think it's funny that I am so in shock over all of this. I bet you are thinking, well gosh, Anna, you are already super involved with Rob in ministry, this is a natural next step. And it is. But I never saw myself doing anything more than assisting. I've seen myself as chicken wire for long, holding Rob up, that I didn't even give God a chance to show me that there might be more.
Still figuring out how all this will wind together with the life I'm already living; photography, kids, ministry, possibly working at CT as a secretary. It's all crazy, but I know God will wind it all together in the perfect way that He does. And I'm excited for the future. Very excited.
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