Dude.

That about sums it up.

Holy cow. I need to put the brakes on. I was driving home from Walmart and I started blogging in my head. Geez, I just need to get all of this stuff out of my head and on to cyber paper.
First of all, I feel like I'm all scrunched up inside. Stupid description, I know. But there is so much me and no time to express it right now. I am bogged down by dishes and laundry and schoolwork and "Sarah, STOP TOUCHING YOUR BROTHER!" and all my random to-dos. I just want a corner and ten minutes to myself!! In fact right now, I just banned the kids to their floor while I write for a few minutes, but I can still hear them bickering. I told Rob that I need some time. Saturday or Monday, but I need some time to find me again.
School is going ok. I'm struggling with balance. The actual school day is pretty short - but squeezing out other things to squeeze school in is the difficult part. I know, most of you are wondering "what does this girl do all day that she can't handle it?". grrrr. I seriously feel like I never sit down lately, and if I do I'm back up a few moments later. One would think this would make me fashion model thin - but it hasn't thus far. :) here's hoping. I think a ton of it is just going back to having two little people in the house again all day. We had adjusted to Eli being gone and now we are adjusting back. He requires a lot of attention too, he's not as self-starting as Sarah.
I think Eli's learning a lot, but just like every other area of my life, I see vast areas of needed improvement. I know we could be doing more, but right now I am just surviving.
(an aside) If one more kid comes to the door and asks "Can Eli (and sometimes Rob) come out and play?" I am going to scream!! Why does everyone think the kid has nothing to do because he's homeschooled? And I'd be cool with Eli out and playing, but then Sarah wants to go to and I can't get anything done outside while I'm refereeing. I've done it this week, but today there is too much left to do if these people want supper on clean dishes. I'm being super wasteful right now, but it's my sanity at stake.
Anyhoo. I've been spending any spare moments working on my expo project, which I'm loving. It's been a little time consuming because we've had memory card issues (thank you Sarah) and so I've had to re-do videos or lost videos due to memory card errors. More frustration there. But overall I'm really excited to be doing it and super excited to have extra cash to throw at that student loan. (whoopee!)
I guess it all boils down to balance and finding it and not losing my mind in the meantime. I'm missing the things that make me ME right now - the scrapbooking and the creating and the blogging. I'm so tempted to just find some time with my doodles book and a shade tree and my bible and journal. That sounds like heaven. I'd just kill for a little peace and quiet right now. You know those moms who are like "I love hearing the pitter patter of little feet"? Yeah, that's not me. Maybe cause my kids are past pitter patter and full-on into STOMP SHOVE SCREAM stage. I really like it when they sleep. :)
I know I sound stressed out. But I am reminding myself that I love what I am doing. There is not a single area of my life that I'm willing to give up right now (well, maybe diaper changing I could live without). I just need to find a balance of it all. Homeschool has just been a huge transition and we are still figuring it out. Is it summer yet?? (just kidding)