Anna-thology

deep thoughts for one am

A very long day today, I think I eluded to that earlier.

Mom said something to me on our Paris trip that caught me off guard (one of many things said to me on that trip that I've been chewing on for weeks now). She said that I was still figuring out who I was.

Ouch. I think. I'm not sure. I thought I had that all figured out. Enough at least to know that you reconsider the 'who-am-I' every time you have a major life change (ie: death, birth, major job change). But I've been stirring it around in my mind for some time now and I hate that she may be right.

I turn twenty-seven in three weeks. (that's a seperate post in itself, maybe even a whole new blog!) How can I not know who I am?? It scares me to even type that, the black and white on the screen is screaming back at me, YOU BIG FAKER! I've made a lot of really big and irreversible decisions if that's truly the case I could be in trouble. Maybe it's just one in the morning and not time to be pondering these kind of life-shaping/shifting statements.

I lived life full-throttle for those first few years out of the nest. Maybe I should have slowed down a bit and spent a little more time thinking about what it really is I want out of life. Although, I feel like I've been thinking about that since Eli was born and I still don't have an answer. Maybe it's a good thing I started with a husband and kids and got those things going while I had the time and energy (and lack of motivation for anything else) while the getting was good. I really did know I wanted that, and I haven't changed my mind so far, even though there are days. :)

Definitely too late for these kinds of discussions.

Maybe I should take some moments and think about my passions. I understand that this is all the rage right now (passion thinking - all over tv and books and radio). As a stay-at-home mom and full-time pastor's wife I don't have a lot of time to think about what I'm passionate about, mostly what I do is decided for me, and in the brief moments of alone quiet time I usually try to catch my breath and do a little something for me, so the tiny bit of original Anna that is left doesn't wither up and blow away in the wind.

What am I passionate about?

* The first answer is easy. My God. Living right and learning and giving and listening and trying not to screw up too terribly, although I feel I do daily.

* The second answer is true. My family. I am insanely passionate about my family. Lately I am very much struggling with the stay at home thing and can't help but wonder if God is leading me in another direction or if I am just being discontent (an aggrivating state of being for me!). But I adore my husband, even if we've been married eight years and the honeymoon is definitely over and sometimes I look at him and think "ergh! You drive me crazy". But he is usually driving me crazy in a good way and for that I am thankful. He knows me better than any other soul on earth, and amazingly enough still loves me with abandon, even if he's not the best at showing it all the time. I love my kids too, little pieces of me and Rob, complete with our nuances and short-comings. I love Sarah's curly hair and her mischief-loving, attack-life-with-a-vengeance attitude that she totally gets from me. I love Eli and his sensitive, loving countenence, and those amazing blue eyes that see right to your soul, even when you are trying to hide it. "Mommy, why is your smile down?" The kid has a gift.

[I say all that and I feel like I've been failing miserably with my kids lately. My patience has just been nill and I'm not sure how or where to fix it. And why am I writing all this here? Probalby because it's one am and there is no one to say it to.]

* I'm passionate about ministry. I have been for years, all the way back to church camp when I was fourteen. I want to make a difference in this world and that seems like some tiny way that I can help. It's crazy to me that it's now really Rob's job and not something we just volunteer all our free time, money and energy to.

* I'm really, really passionate about scrapbooking. And it's a source of frustration for me. I've tried to find my niche in the industry (working in a store, teaching, writing, publishing) over and over and I'm just burnt on it. I feel like God hasn't allowed me in, like it just must not be the right time (or what? not sure) and I'm starting to wonder if my dreams are futile. Maybe it will just always be a hobby.

* I feel like something is missing. And no, Lori, it is not another baby. That would be a receipe for one of those horrible postpartem episodes where all the children wind up in sack and the Mom jumps off the bridge into the icy water.

So, definitely not a child. Just a passion for something, outside of this house and my family and everything so neatly tied up with a bow. Something that's mine, where I'm making a difference and escaping for bit of quality Anna time too.

Maybe I'm asking too much? Just looking over my list of passions, is there really room in my life for one more thing? And I didn't even put my friends, they should totally be on there too. Also, looking over my list, I see a lot of frustration, in almost every area. Most of my frustration comes from a lack of appreciation or compensation. Maybe my motivator is broke and I'm looking at this from all the wrong angles.

I guess I'm just looking for balance. A little more me and a little less everyone else. Seems selfish. But after five+ years home catering to everyone's needs, my needs are creeping in and getting louder all the time.

Well, I've totally rambled and stuttered and stammered, but at least a good bit is off my chest. Maybe now I could go for some late night scrapbook shopping, or at least browsing. A little retail therapy goes a long way. Either that or I could find my bed like a normal person since it's almost 2am now!!!